The beginning of the semester started out great. I was very excited to apply my newly learned skills from the previous semester to this second term and for a while, I was very impressed with myself. I was very attentive in class, and felt focused and was eager to start dance ensemble and get back into the choreographies and performance work. I improved on execution of movement and how to correctly do things. I was not always efficient in those concepts because of habit, but I had become aware of when I was doing movement incorrectly and was able to adjust to what was needed. And with that practice, I was able to create new, healthy habits for my body and my quality of dance. As we furthered into the semester however, I got in a longboarding accident and was out of dance at least a month. At that point in time, all that I had been working for seemed to have been a waste and I was terrified that I was going to be out of dance for the rest of the semester and that I would not be able to attend summer classes. I did fall into a depression that set me off the deep end and from there, my semester didn't seem to improve any better. My grandfather ended up passing away not too long after my injury, which added to the sadness I was experiencing. My social life did contribute to the lack of responsibility on my part. I take full credit and wish that I could go back to just get a redo, but unfortunately, that is not how this life works. So I continued to press on, and not in the healthiest of ways. I didn't want to go to class because all I wanted to do was dance, but not being able to and seeing everyone else around me dance, was so incredibly hard for me. especially when I am going through hard times trying to figure out who I am as a person and what I stand for and dealing with death, I get so overwhelmed and my way out of the world of those stressors, I would dance. With that taken away from me, I felt like I was nothing. I was fortunate enough to be able to dance just in time for student choreography, so I got to perform and my burst of emotions got to be laid out on the stage. I felt like I was beginning to get kind of back on my feet but it was pretty far into the semester, I felt like I wouldn't be able to make a come back but I at least had some hope since I was actually able to dance. Not even a month after, I get into a car wreck, and that's when I hit rock bottom. It's still hard for me to make sense of why so much happened to me in so little time and all these things were my fault. But again, I can't change it and I continue to press forward. I also was really proud of myself because I stepped in the four days of dance rehearsals that I had missed and was able to pull through with the dances. I struggle a lot with compensating for my worst symptom of my ADD and that's memory loss. I have such a hard time learning combinations and dances quickly because for some reason, there is a short in my brain that doesn't make that connection efficiently if at all. I was proud of myself for being able to step in and learn Ms. Acosta's piece and help keep her work in the show. I felt good emotionally because I was able to help out a choreographer at very last minute, and I was also able to learn so quickly, even though I did blank here and there, it was a huge self accomplishment. I am thankful for the faith Acosta had in my ability to perform her piece.
It's safe to say that I started out well with confidence and ended bitter sweetly, but I have not given up. I am just ready for the semester to be over with so that I can take one thing at a time, and come back in the fall semester more cautious and take all of the experiences I've gone through this semester and apply the lessons I've learned to my actions. As hard as it is, I am going to keep my head up because I know that there is something good in store for me. I just have to keep an open mind and find the good in all the evil. I am very blessed to have such understanding teachers, and a group of dancers who I proudly call my family. Things will be different in the days to come. I just know it.
"Have faith, expect miracles."
above: My Hillsborough Community College Dance Family. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment